Two Truths: Life and Death

My dear Fiza,

It saddens me to hear of your family’s loss. I have been thinking about your letter and apologize for this very late reply. Your letter and reading about your loss was touching in so many ways. As mothers it is hard to come to terms with the fact that our children may not be able to know their grandparents. I grew up knowing only my grandmother from my mother’s side and step-grandmother from my father’s side. I never met my grandfathers from either side and I just wished that was not so.

My deepest condolences go out to you and your family on your loss. 

You ask some thought provoking questions. In such hard times it is quite normal to dig deep and try to understand what we value; examples we want to set and question our ultimate purpose. I believe our parents have been selfless – maybe due to their experiences, culture or even pride. I notice the many sacrifices which leads them to not ask for that support which they need. Their sacrifices and experiences have molded them into mere “givers.” It is a quality that I can only strive for and can just stand back and admire. Like you, I too want to let my offspring know when I need them; communicating needs is a great quality to possess as parents.

My grandmother, Babo, passed away about 6 years ago and that woman had the most need of assistance from family but she never asked and only gave. She never showed discomfort but had a smile radiate through her beautiful face. She never showed pain but had love and wisdom pour out. She is my prime example of a strong Afghan woman and no one has replaced her to date. I wish she had communicated more to her children of her needs and not go along to keep everything in order and everyone happy. I strive to be that strong but will be mindful of letting my loved ones know when I need them because no one can read minds.

Our parents may not ask but if we notice this trait then it is our duty to make that commitment to be right there for them. However, it all has to be done with balance. Maybe being right next to them constantly may not be too effective or plausible. Sometimes staying present can be just a call, letter, gesture of kindness and being open with our hearts and minds when talking to them. I have seen many examples of children "present" with their parents physically but checked out emotionally and mentally. As a result, the parent doesn't feel comfortable communicating their needs and the child assumes rather than  digging for truth. I strive to strike a balance between being physically and emotionally present because one or the other extreme can be damaging if not handled with care. 

In Islam, families and parents are held in high regard. It beautifully encourages us to continuously question our purpose in life, value our blessings, and do good to one another. Like you said, it is all a big puzzle but only good intentions and thoughts can place each piece in its appropriate place. I pray for strength and wisdom when it comes to molding and raising our children as thoughtful and loving adults. 

A family loss is a hard experience and deeply moving that lasts a lifetime but we must remember to stay patient and remember that our ultimate truth is ‘Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return'."

Keep Peace and Calm~

Thinking about death, life and death

Dearest Zarena,

Now that both our girls are almost 5 months old, I find this the oddest time to write to you. I had been thinking about the best time to begin writing my letters to you, but the idea of rearing a child was so exhausting that I never really got a chance. Little did I know that it would be a sad moment that would bring me back to this blog to share my thoughts.

Last week, my dearest father-in-law and Aelya's dada (paternal grandfather) passed away very suddenly. Someone's death has really shaken me up for the first time so hard. There is an aspect of losing someone and there is an aspect of finding God and His Supreme Power literally shaking you at someone's death. I felt the latter for the first time in my life and it has really made me wonder how futile life is and how little we are.

Papa was absolutely fine, living his routine life when on his return from swimming, he suffered a brain hammerhoage in the shower and fell. He passed away within 48 hours. He loved his children to bits and I remember we were constantly telling him for the last few years how we wanted to return to Pakistan but he kept telling us that now was not the right time. When he passed away, it really makes me mad to think that none of us his children were with him to take him to the hospital.

It really makes me wonder about where to draw the line between the world and our duties towards our parents. We don't realize how it takes a blink of an eye and things can so rapidly change. Is career so much better outside Pakistan that we cannot be next to our parents when they need us so bad? Are people in Pakistan not living a life that we have to leave our parents like this? What's the point of sleepless nights, anxiety for children's success, going through the pains of feeding and bringing them up when we cannot tell them that we "need" them to be "with" us? I really want to be as good a parent as our parents were to us and yet stronger than them in my ability to tell them that I need them, but I wonder if I will be able to do so?

This then brings me to wonder how we think we possess human relations. My mother. My grandfather. My uncle. My father in law. My husband. My children. When in fact, it feels now like we are all part of a big puzzle. A board which only Allah is overlooking and in His power to see them from above, he is the Schemer of all the schemers. We are so powerless and so weak. He possesses us and decides in his great wisdom when things have to be changed. Only time tells us how every thing in this world, is a blessing in disguise and sometimes we probably cannot even see it that way.

I have learnt that the one way to bring up a child to grow into a contented, spiritually satisfied human being is to tell them to try their best but to remember they don't possess any thing. This way perhaps the pain of losing something will be reduced and we will take calmness in the fact that actually this was just a move of the puzzle in Allah's hands and time shall tell where we are headed.