Dearest Zarena,
Now that both our girls are almost 5 months old, I find this the oddest time to write to you. I had been thinking about the best time to begin writing my letters to you, but the idea of rearing a child was so exhausting that I never really got a chance. Little did I know that it would be a sad moment that would bring me back to this blog to share my thoughts.
Last week, my dearest father-in-law and Aelya's dada (paternal grandfather) passed away very suddenly. Someone's death has really shaken me up for the first time so hard. There is an aspect of losing someone and there is an aspect of finding God and His Supreme Power literally shaking you at someone's death. I felt the latter for the first time in my life and it has really made me wonder how futile life is and how little we are.
Papa was absolutely fine, living his routine life when on his return from swimming, he suffered a brain hammerhoage in the shower and fell. He passed away within 48 hours. He loved his children to bits and I remember we were constantly telling him for the last few years how we wanted to return to Pakistan but he kept telling us that now was not the right time. When he passed away, it really makes me mad to think that none of us his children were with him to take him to the hospital.
This then brings me to wonder how we think we possess human relations. My mother. My grandfather. My uncle. My father in law. My husband. My children. When in fact, it feels now like we are all part of a big puzzle. A board which only Allah is overlooking and in His power to see them from above, he is the Schemer of all the schemers. We are so powerless and so weak. He possesses us and decides in his great wisdom when things have to be changed. Only time tells us how every thing in this world, is a blessing in disguise and sometimes we probably cannot even see it that way.
Now that both our girls are almost 5 months old, I find this the oddest time to write to you. I had been thinking about the best time to begin writing my letters to you, but the idea of rearing a child was so exhausting that I never really got a chance. Little did I know that it would be a sad moment that would bring me back to this blog to share my thoughts.
Last week, my dearest father-in-law and Aelya's dada (paternal grandfather) passed away very suddenly. Someone's death has really shaken me up for the first time so hard. There is an aspect of losing someone and there is an aspect of finding God and His Supreme Power literally shaking you at someone's death. I felt the latter for the first time in my life and it has really made me wonder how futile life is and how little we are.
Papa was absolutely fine, living his routine life when on his return from swimming, he suffered a brain hammerhoage in the shower and fell. He passed away within 48 hours. He loved his children to bits and I remember we were constantly telling him for the last few years how we wanted to return to Pakistan but he kept telling us that now was not the right time. When he passed away, it really makes me mad to think that none of us his children were with him to take him to the hospital.
It really makes me wonder about where to draw the line between the world and our duties towards our parents. We don't realize how it takes a blink of an eye and things can so rapidly change. Is career so much better outside Pakistan that we cannot be next to our parents when they need us so bad? Are people in Pakistan not living a life that we have to leave our parents like this? What's the point of sleepless nights, anxiety for children's success, going through the pains of feeding and bringing them up when we cannot tell them that we "need" them to be "with" us? I really want to be as good a parent as our parents were to us and yet stronger than them in my ability to tell them that I need them, but I wonder if I will be able to do so?
This then brings me to wonder how we think we possess human relations. My mother. My grandfather. My uncle. My father in law. My husband. My children. When in fact, it feels now like we are all part of a big puzzle. A board which only Allah is overlooking and in His power to see them from above, he is the Schemer of all the schemers. We are so powerless and so weak. He possesses us and decides in his great wisdom when things have to be changed. Only time tells us how every thing in this world, is a blessing in disguise and sometimes we probably cannot even see it that way.
I have learnt that the one way to bring up a child to grow into a contented, spiritually satisfied human being is to tell them to try their best but to remember they don't possess any thing. This way perhaps the pain of losing something will be reduced and we will take calmness in the fact that actually this was just a move of the puzzle in Allah's hands and time shall tell where we are headed.
