My dear Fiza,
It saddens me to hear of your family’s loss. I have been
thinking about your letter and apologize for this very late reply. Your letter and
reading about your loss was touching in so many ways. As mothers it is hard to
come to terms with the fact that our children may not be able to know their
grandparents. I grew up knowing only my grandmother from my mother’s side and
step-grandmother from my father’s side. I never met my grandfathers from either
side and I just wished that was not so.
My deepest condolences go out to you and your family on your
loss.
You ask some thought provoking questions. In such hard times
it is quite normal to dig deep and try to understand what we value; examples we
want to set and question our ultimate purpose. I believe our parents have been
selfless – maybe due to their experiences, culture or even pride. I notice the
many sacrifices which leads them to not ask for that support which they need. Their sacrifices and experiences have
molded them into mere “givers.” It is a quality that I can only strive for and
can just stand back and admire. Like you, I too want to let my offspring know
when I need them; communicating needs is a great quality to possess as parents.
My grandmother, Babo, passed away about 6 years ago and that
woman had the most need of assistance from family but she never asked and only
gave. She never showed discomfort but had a smile radiate through her beautiful
face. She never showed pain but had love and wisdom pour out. She is my prime
example of a strong Afghan woman and no one has replaced her to date. I wish
she had communicated more to her children of her needs and not go along to keep
everything in order and everyone happy. I strive to be that strong but will be
mindful of letting my loved ones know when I need them because no one can read
minds.
Our parents may not ask but if we notice this trait then it
is our duty to make that commitment to be right there for them. However, it all
has to be done with balance. Maybe being right next to them constantly may not
be too effective or plausible. Sometimes staying present can be just a call, letter, gesture of kindness and
being open with our hearts and minds when talking to them. I have seen many examples of children "present" with their parents physically but checked out emotionally and mentally. As a result, the parent doesn't feel comfortable communicating their needs and the child assumes rather than digging for truth. I strive to strike a balance between being physically and emotionally present because one or the other extreme can be damaging if not handled with care.
In Islam, families and parents are held in high regard. It
beautifully encourages us to continuously question our purpose in life, value
our blessings, and do good to one another. Like you said, it is all a big
puzzle but only good intentions and thoughts can place each piece in its
appropriate place. I pray for strength and wisdom when it comes to molding and raising our children as thoughtful and loving adults.
A family loss is a hard experience and deeply moving that
lasts a lifetime but we must remember to stay patient and remember that our ultimate truth is ‘Surely we belong to Allah and
to Him shall we return'."
Keep Peace and Calm~
