Empathy in our children to fight injustice

Dearest Zarena,

It's been so long since we spoke via "Khor Jaan" and this was an amazing letter. I really enjoyed every bit of it and was glued to every word of it. Thank you for these wonderful tips but even before I begin, thanks for sharing you and your family's picture. Wow you guys look so stunning - its an absolutely gorgeous photograph. Can I add you are getting more and more beautiful by the day :)

You are very right in those values. I hope I can take good care of all of those values when the time comes. I was having this discussion the other day with a friend, Anke, who used to be with us in Mills College if you remember. She is studying in SOAS now where I did my Masters. Your mentioning "respect" made me think about this because at the time it just really moved us the discussion.

I remember it came up in the context of all the talk about women harrassment in Egypt during riots and how there is an app called "Harassmap" to report this whenever you come across any sort of harrassment on the streets of Egypt. Think this app was created after protests leading to the revolution started across the country and there were reports of women facing insecurity. I am not going into the debate of whether these are exaggerated fears or not, but a single woman unsafe any where at any point should be a concern to all who could have saved her or protected her in any way. At least that's what our faith teaches us too as well as any human morals.

This brought Anke and me to the topic of the mentality where women can be jeered at, looked down upon if they bo beyond certain social "boundaries" or simply used for pleasure and put aside. There are so many boys out there whose parents know they are only having fun but when its time to get married, they will choose a perfect, "innocent" girl - the "marriage" type. I know it really affected me when Anke was telling me about someone she knew in Jordan and said its shocking that a faith that gives so much emphasis on women's protection and respect, has followers that don't really regard it well enough.

We boiled it down to the importance of "mothers" teaching their sons from childhood about "empathy" which is I think what you mean when you say "respect." To me empathy is, when someone can feel the pain that someone else is feeling when going through it. I really wish I can instill this in my children and especially in my sons if I have any. Culturally we teach our daughters a lot about respect, honor, privacy and seeing that their brothers understand that it is important to protect your sister which is great but what about other sisters. Sisters in your neighborhood, in your community, your country, and humanity in general.

It is this "empathy" which will make them strong enough to avoid a wrong step, strong enough to take the right step, strong enough to make the right decisions. What do you think?   

Household Values

Dear Fiza,

The hustle and bustle of life has kept me away from writing to you for a while, but recently I came across an HBO special, The Weight of the Nation, which made me dig deep into what values I want to instill in my children's lives. This is a documentary special that Kaiser Permanente co-sponsored in an effort to fight obesity and a way to commit to its goals of Total Health. Unfortunately, I had missed the broadcasting date of 5/14/2012 but luckily HBO site allows for viewers to stream the series. This week, in an effort to raise awareness, our facility had a showing during lunch hour of part three of the series titled “Children in Crisis.” http://theweightofthenation.hbo.com/ I wanted to share with you some learning and also share my thoughts on the values I would like to instill in our children despite all the marketing and corporate pressures when it comes to food, lifestyle or just a sense of self.

What I saw in the documentary was amazing, shocking, frightening and eye opening all at once. Over time I am learning more and more about health and healthy eating. It is saddening to see how our foods have become so processed and contaminated which are resulting in us killing ourselves softly and slowly. Maybe the affect of the documentary is stronger at this stage of my life and may be getting too sensitive about it all. But then I am a mother and am responsible for nurturing and nourishing another being who is completely oblivious to how marketers, money hungry corporations and government has joined hands at the expense of our health.

The documentary explained how obese children eventually become obese adults who end up with Diabetes, heart problems and eventually end up dead at an early age. It is estimated that 1 in 3 child will develop diabetes if born in the 2000 decade. Shocking! Yes! I listened to the stats thrown around on the screen and was amazed at how ignorant most of us are…how did this “progressive” country come to this point? How was it allowed? Does it call for a change at a larger scale or do we start with ourselves?

I consider myself fortunate to be working at Kaiser Permanente, an organization that values itself on employee, patient and community health. We strive to bring awareness and truly work towards prevention rather than just treating. As a result, I have benefited quite a bit from the various programs we put on and have available. For example, walk programs, Total Health Assessment online, Employee wellness months and ongoing related programs. In addition the organization has made a commitment to changing all its lunches and snacks in meetings to more healthy options – no more donuts, candies etc! Anyway, I share this with a heavy heart because I know that many organizations out there struggle and lack a stronger health initiative. I do hope that most follow Kaiser Permanente foot steps when it comes to health awareness for employees.

Anyway, all this made me think of what change I will continue to bring in my personal family life and commit to. It all made me truly think about the values I want to raise my children with. Maybe it was middle school when I came across the question of nurture vs. nature. For years the battle of the two has been ongoing in my head but watching the documentary made me realize that the two truly go hand in hand. A physician in the series explained wonderfully how our genetics and experiences influence our makeup. With that profound explanation I realized that it is up to me as to how our children will experience life through the values we instill, the models we become and encouragement we provide.

So here it is, the values I plan to instill are: FAITH, HEALTH, RESPECT & HAPPINESS. I wish I could make an acronym out of that but will plan on committing the list to memory ;)

1)      FAITH – growing up, I was exposed to faith through cultural lenses. My grandmother was the only person who I saw truly practicing Islam through every waking and sleeping hour the way it should be practiced. Being that she was uneducated, I was always awestruck at her memorization and repetition of beautiful Quranic Verses (one of my favorite, Ayat –e-Qursi which she taught me to memorize). The beauty of her faith inspired me, moved me and encouraged me to be simple, kind and loving. I can still smell the fragrance of her devotion…after she finished reading from her large print Quran I would snuggle next to her just to sense the sweetness and smell the hands that held the holy book for hours in early mornings. As I grew older, I started exploring more the religion and what it all truly was about: who is God, what is our purpose, why should we believe and what are the stories of these prophets? All these questions started surfacing in College years and marriage years. I have come to realize the that once a person is connected to God through prayer and remembrance is when that sense of being is defined and it all starts to make sense. Because of the many years of searching and learning I have decided that the main value I want to instill in our children is the concept of faith and introduce it early on because I don’t want them to grow up feeling lost without a goal and purpose in mind. My efforts will hopefully show them how to learn the faith, understand it and love it. Only through faith, I believe, does one truly enjoy the life in this world. Otherwise, we are lost souls who will be slaves to the material and man-made world and will never be able to reach our true levels of the self.

2)      HEALTH – teaching and demonstrating this value is key. I grew up with not much wealth but was fortunate to grow up in a household that valued home cooking, healthy eating and avoiding junk. I was always jealous of those kids who’s pantries/cupboards were filled with junk food. Being young and ignorant, I thought that “we just couldn't afford it” but how wrong I was! Now I look back and am grateful to my father who would lug bags and bags of fruits and veggies from the local market and my mother who would bake everything at home and cook everything from scratch – we didn't even use canned ingredients. It was a beautiful household always filled with awesome scents but to top it off we were all healthy – something my parents prided on. In the process, my mother taught me how to prep, cook, bake and do it with such love and pride…basic? yes...but so many lack today due to easy TV dinners, packaged foods and fast foods. Hence, health as a value is key in my children’s lives. I have committed to home cooking our foods mostly from scratch…just like my mom used to do. My struggles will be constant in this arena because marketing towards young people is so strong from every angle and I see so many children at a young age fall prey to brand loyalty which affects their food choices which usually are foods that will kill them. Food marketing is powerful, pernicious and predatory; but we as parents must monitor and control how much of it we allow into our children’s lives.

3)      RESPECT – This value is the base to a child’s upbringing. It is only through respect for the self, others and life (here and hereafter) when one truly can become humble, appreciative and a being full of integrity. It saddens me to see so many young people lack this basic concept. It is respect which will take one far and lead them to make decisions that will have tremendous impact. I grew up being very comfortable in my skin and respected my self. I understood early on that my soul and body was a gift which I must take care. That respect of self spilled over to respecting others, the community I belonged to and the things I was blessed with. For me, this concept led me to make many life decisions which were fruitful in many ways. Hence, it is truly a value I must instill in my children.

4)      HAPPINESS – this is something that one must just instill in the psych at all times. It was my grandmother, who in the face of tragic moments, hardships and heartbreaks; was always able to keep a smile on her face and just leave it fate. I watched her practice happiness with such devotion that it just resonated with me early on. I learned to always keep a smile on my face and look at life and events with a positive perspective. As I grew older I had strangers compliment me on my smile, cheerfulness and positive energy. It was a great feeling to be complimented on something that was so natural to me. However, because of happiness I enjoyed life and its little moments and everything that happened in between. Teaching our young ones happiness will lead to a rewarding life - and that is my strong belief.

Well, there is my list of values that we will be consistently practicing in our household. They are all interconnected which will lead to a healthy and fulfilling life for us and our children – InshAllah!